How Do You Feel...

...when your comment(s) in other people's blog get deleted? (by the blog owner, of course)

Anyway, today I'll take a break from writing about KKB and share a letter which Ms. Anonymous wrote to her friend who passed on a few weeks ago. I have read the letter over and over again and each time I read it, I feel a 'tug' in my heart. Then, I got thinking...

If I passed on (IF lah...), will anyone write this kind of letter to me? This is what happens when the mind is *shrug* idle?

I've asked for her permission to share the letter here... Thanks, Ms. Anon. You may be anonymous but you are no crap... *BIG HUGS*

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How are you doing, my dear friend? Heaven will look so much lovelier with you there now, with a professional farmer around.

I hope your family sent you a really advanced laptop and that you have a high speed internet connection in Heaven, so no more complaints about Streamyx, ok?
I hope that you can read this letter, since you do know my URL.

If you did not have the mood to read my blog, since it was started in the worst three months of your life, now you will have the chance to read from the very beginning.

Remember the time when we talked about when you'll be meeting your Maker, and how you'll be finally free from all Earthly sufferings? God, I was so afraid that you'll do something stupid that I kept reminding you, what a source of inspiration you have been to all of us after appearing on Astro.

You touched so many hearts from across Malaysia and even Brunei, how can you let them down, right? But to hold on to you, would have been heartless of us knowing that you were suffering so much. You sensed that you won't be able to celebrate your next birthday and true enough, it's definitely not easy to pass the double months of death.

It was for the best, I guess, given the circumstances. Like you said, that was no way to live! ESP said, before his death, that the good die young. I can't agree more with him.

You saw your illness as a chance for you to prepare your own death and you said it is better than someone who dies in an accident, for instance, and not able to plan anything at all. When your obituary came out in the papers, my mom was surprised that you wrote it yourself.

I am regretful that I was not able to watch you on TV, and in your own words, you were Astro's main star, that was why they aired your episode first. And it's sad that you were not able to make me a copy of the DVD which Astro promised to give you. If only they had worked a little quicker! And I'll be waiting forever for the photos of your made-over little corner of your living room. And also your book of mottanai ideas. Time, indeed, does not wait.

You didn't know, but every time after our talk, I get so distraught that I had to pour all my pent up emotions onto a friend, someone I never told you about. I thought that he was the only one who really understood how I felt since his father has been bedridden for a few years now after a stroke. And he too is helpless, being so far away from his father, and relying heavily on just an Indonesian maid.

I pity him, that he unwittingly became my shoulder to cry on, so much so that he confessed that he feared calling me, because I always sounded so sad over the phone and he can't do anything to help me. But he let me bust his phone bills, nevertheless. That's what friends are for, I guess.

He consoled me that everyone of us has to repay our debts in our lifetime. Being Buddhist, I do agree but LIFE IS SO UNFAIR!

With experiences like this, we grew up 20 years beyond our age.

Do you still remember the first time we got to know each other? That was way back in late 2002, you were just back from Germany, physically back but your heart was still in Germany.

And I remember once you were very mad at me when you asked me what would I do when my parents grew old and if they require care? And I gave a reply that made you angry. I didn't yet know that you sacrificed your career in Germany for your folks.

And in the early days, when you found out who my Uncle was, I was so damn afraid that you'll go look him up as you intended to venture into his field of expertise. It was not that I was selfish not to let you pick my Uncle's brains, but he was sick then. In fact, he still is. What kind of sickness, he did not disclose. Maybe he felt that it wouldn't do us any good, nor will our knowledge change his condition, so it was better to keep it a secret.

Remember the SMS exchanges we had at 4am, when you couldn't sleep? And you were surprised that I replied you. Cheh, you thought only you were awake at 4am?

I also remember the funny moments when I mistakenly sent you SMS messages meant for another. And there was once I even mistakenly e-mailed you a photo of a panty. I waited and waited for a reply and was so surprised when it was you who replied to my e-mail. Oh God, how embarrassing it was but you could turn any situation into a joke.

And you kept up with your jokes right till the end, almost. Remember the FIFA World Cup joke? Hahaha that was very funny! You were as sexist, as hamsup as ever! Your spirits were so high that I became very hopeful of your recovery and thought that once you are well enough, I'd take you to pig-out on your favourite g-chap (pig spare parts) in my hometown. No, I won't be having any, thank you very much!

I knew the end was near for you when you sent me a weird sounding SMS a month ago, and you even called me by name, when you normally preferred to use my nickname. I can't bear to delete your contact off my mobile phone, cos I will be keeping your messages forever, and if I delete your number, your name won't show anymore.

One thing I really regret is that I passed you the mantra way too late. If only I had known of it when you were first diagnosed! But I guess, there's no use crying over spilt milk.

Also, I wouldn't say I'm sorry I wasn't able to pay my last respects at your funeral. You know my circumstances better than anyone else and you would have scolded me because my Sorrys always came too easily. You told me time and again to apologise ONLY when it truly matters.

Till today, I keep hoping that I'll receive an e-mail from "you" much like what you received from Ms. K's sister, after Miss K's death. It was so touching.

Our mutual friend, Care, told me that you confessed something to her, but I never did confront you. After that confession, you continued with your travels. Oh yeah, you travelled so much that I even asked you if you have a mole on the sole of your foot. And you didn't believe that a mole can actually give someone the opportunity to travel. You thought I was being silly. Yeah, well, maybe I was just looking for a reason with regards to me being stuck here.

If only I had pursued that scholarship that would take me to Country Heights, our paths would have crossed sooner. Would that have changed anything?

If we had taken that ONE step, would I now be grieving another kind of grief along with your mother and sister?

If only Iressa were a whole lot cheaper.
If only, if only..........

......................................................................................... till we meet again...