Thursday, August 17, 2006

How Do You Feel...

...when your comment(s) in other people's blog get deleted? (by the blog owner, of course)

Anyway, today I'll take a break from writing about KKB and share a letter which Ms. Anonymous wrote to her friend who passed on a few weeks ago. I have read the letter over and over again and each time I read it, I feel a 'tug' in my heart. Then, I got thinking...

If I passed on (IF lah...), will anyone write this kind of letter to me? This is what happens when the mind is *shrug* idle?

I've asked for her permission to share the letter here... Thanks, Ms. Anon. You may be anonymous but you are no crap... *BIG HUGS*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How are you doing, my dear friend? Heaven will look so much lovelier with you there now, with a professional farmer around.
I hope your family sent you a really advanced laptop and that you have a high speed internet connection in Heaven, so no more complaints about Streamyx, ok?
I hope that you can read this letter, since you do know my URL.
If you did not have the mood to read my blog, since it was started in the worst three months of your life, now you will have the chance to read from the very beginning.
Remember the time when we talked about when you'll be meeting your Maker, and how you'll be finally free from all Earthly sufferings? God, I was so afraid that you'll do something stupid that I kept reminding you, what a source of inspiration you have been to all of us after appearing on Astro.
You touched so many hearts from across Malaysia and even Brunei, how can you let them down, right? But to hold on to you, would have been heartless of us knowing that you were suffering so much. You sensed that you won't be able to celebrate your next birthday and true enough, it's definitely not easy to pass the double months of death.
It was for the best, I guess, given the circumstances. Like you said, that was no way to live! ESP said, before his death, that the good die young. I can't agree more with him.
You saw your illness as a chance for you to prepare your own death and you said it is better than someone who dies in an accident, for instance, and not able to plan anything at all. When your obituary came out in the papers, my mom was surprised that you wrote it yourself.
I am regretful that I was not able to watch you on TV, and in your own words, you were Astro's main star, that was why they aired your episode first. And it's sad that you were not able to make me a copy of the DVD which Astro promised to give you. If only they had worked a little quicker! And I'll be waiting forever for the photos of your made-over little corner of your living room. And also your book of mottanai ideas. Time, indeed, does not wait.
You didn't know, but every time after our talk, I get so distraught that I had to pour all my pent up emotions onto a friend, someone I never told you about. I thought that he was the only one who really understood how I felt since his father has been bedridden for a few years now after a stroke. And he too is helpless, being so far away from his father, and relying heavily on just an Indonesian maid.
I pity him, that he unwittingly became my shoulder to cry on, so much so that he confessed that he feared calling me, because I always sounded so sad over the phone and he can't do anything to help me. But he let me bust his phone bills, nevertheless. That's what friends are for, I guess.
He consoled me that everyone of us has to repay our debts in our lifetime. Being Buddhist, I do agree but LIFE IS SO UNFAIR!
With experiences like this, we grew up 20 years beyond our age.
Do you still remember the first time we got to know each other? That was way back in late 2002, you were just back from Germany, physically back but your heart was still in Germany.
And I remember once you were very mad at me when you asked me what would I do when my parents grew old and if they require care? And I gave a reply that made you angry. I didn't yet know that you sacrificed your career in Germany for your folks.
And in the early days, when you found out who my Uncle was, I was so damn afraid that you'll go look him up as you intended to venture into his field of expertise. It was not that I was selfish not to let you pick my Uncle's brains, but he was sick then. In fact, he still is. What kind of sickness, he did not disclose. Maybe he felt that it wouldn't do us any good, nor will our knowledge change his condition, so it was better to keep it a secret.
Remember the SMS exchanges we had at 4am, when you couldn't sleep? And you were surprised that I replied you. Cheh, you thought only you were awake at 4am?
I also remember the funny moments when I mistakenly sent you SMS messages meant for another. And there was once I even mistakenly e-mailed you a photo of a panty. I waited and waited for a reply and was so surprised when it was you who replied to my e-mail. Oh God, how embarrassing it was but you could turn any situation into a joke.
And you kept up with your jokes right till the end, almost. Remember the FIFA World Cup joke? Hahaha that was very funny! You were as sexist, as hamsup as ever! Your spirits were so high that I became very hopeful of your recovery and thought that once you are well enough, I'd take you to pig-out on your favourite g-chap (pig spare parts) in my hometown. No, I won't be having any, thank you very much!
I knew the end was near for you when you sent me a weird sounding SMS a month ago, and you even called me by name, when you normally preferred to use my nickname. I can't bear to delete your contact off my mobile phone, cos I will be keeping your messages forever, and if I delete your number, your name won't show anymore.
One thing I really regret is that I passed you the mantra way too late. If only I had known of it when you were first diagnosed! But I guess, there's no use crying over spilt milk.
Also, I wouldn't say I'm sorry I wasn't able to pay my last respects at your funeral. You know my circumstances better than anyone else and you would have scolded me because my Sorrys always came too easily. You told me time and again to apologise ONLY when it truly matters.
Till today, I keep hoping that I'll receive an e-mail from "you" much like what you received from Ms. K's sister, after Miss K's death. It was so touching.
Our mutual friend, Care, told me that you confessed something to her, but I never did confront you. After that confession, you continued with your travels. Oh yeah, you travelled so much that I even asked you if you have a mole on the sole of your foot. And you didn't believe that a mole can actually give someone the opportunity to travel. You thought I was being silly. Yeah, well, maybe I was just looking for a reason with regards to me being stuck here.
If only I had pursued that scholarship that would take me to Country Heights, our paths would have crossed sooner. Would that have changed anything?
If we had taken that ONE step, would I now be grieving another kind of grief along with your mother and sister?

If only Iressa were a whole lot cheaper.
If only, if only..........

......................................................................................... till we meet again...

49 comments:

moz monster said...

CHUP. But feel sad ...

titoki said...

CHUP CHUP CHUP!!!

titoki said...

This is a beautiful friendship...

Tiuniasing said...

CHUP!!

King's wife said...

touching memories..

may said...

*bawls*
*sniff*

I'm having such an emotional roller coaster day today. this one enhanced it more (in a good way, I think).

If only's. there's too many of those... sigh.

ah nel said...

as time passby...

Winn said...

:( awwwwwwwwww ..

See Fei said...

i wont write this type of letter to you lah. dont believe in condensing and distilling my feeling for ppl when they are not ard anymore. i will pour out my feeling for you on a daily basis, can?

but of course if...if after u r no more ard and you wanna write to me... u r welcome. but pls include in your msg the 4D forecast the following week hor, can?

Anonymous said...

Hi Angel,

Thanks for sharing the letter with your readers. See Fei is correct. Say what you want to say to the people that mean something to you, don't wait until it's too late.

I'm getting all emo again :(

Inevitable said...

:(

I am scared of death... really.
All these years, I pray that I do not need to go through death, be it myself or people around me.

I am still praying for that each day...

Lin Peh said...

The letter so damn 9 long. How to read la ? can do a summary for Lin Peh ? ;-)

plink said...

angel and Ms. Anon, thank you both for sharing.

*BIGHUGS*

_butt said...

I've read this in her blog before this, knew you're gona share this someday soon :)

And as I read, didn't realize that I was, well.. had tears flowed down and all that.. it reminds me of a letter I wrote once, to my pet dog Snowpea died 2 years ago.. she means a lot to me at that time..

So if the person means the world to me, has helped me been through ups and downs, been there for me all the way.. I definitely WILL. I guess it's one the ways of a 'release' to get over death of someone you loved and cared so much.

As for the comments, maybe the blog owner accidentally ter-delete your comment leh.. :P

Chen said...

issit accidentally ter-deleted or ...
if he/she purposely did that, mmmm... there must be "something" behind that...

so touching...
I always believe we should cherish every moment we have, cos we never know what gonna happen the next minute...

Simple American said...

Sad but happy. Hugs.

Don't worry if people will write the same for you. Just enjoy your friends and acquantances as if each meeting is the last. Leave no opening for regrets.

Besides. You are Angel. You bring Heaven to Earth.

mistipurple said...

i talk about the deleted comments first, before i cry about the other comments..
i would ask the person what happened. sometimes internet erases a lot of things on its own. i will 'test' the ground with another comment, and if that got deleted or ignored, i will ask either through email, msn or in the blog itself if there's no other way to communicate. of course must be subtle a bit and give benefit of the doubt in your tone lah. give each other face in other words to step down from the stage lah. (direct translation from mandarin, xia bu liow tai!)

i write another comment on the sob sob part later. too long wait your eyes blur from reading.

mistipurple said...

now i write part two.
i will tell people i love that i love them. better to be thick skinned and lose face than to regret not saying it when they're gone.
as for you, angeliu, you mean alot to me. even though we just 'met', i can feel that you are a very nice and kind person. call it chemistry or whatever. i will miss you if you disappear from blogland, but i am positive that i would have gotten your email or some means of communication before either of us disappears. yes, you mean that much! hugs! xxx

zeroimpact said...

I did not tear not because I'm inhuman
I almost teared and it's not easy to do
Nothing can explain it...
I could not comprehend it...
I just feel it...

Pink Cotton said...

OMG!!!
angel!!!

can i borrow your shoulder? 'x'

so sad... :(

i WOULD write such a letter lor if a dear fren passed on...boohoohoo..still sad :(

oh abt the deleted comment...i think that hurts lo...but nvm,lets give him/her another chance...if he/she still does sth like that...we don go visit her again ok ok ?? mebe he/she did it by accident the first time ma

Tiuniasing said...

dear angel,

You're finally back to where you came from, heaven. Congrats!!

Till we meet again!!

with peace,
Tiuniasing

Selba said...

Part 1
How do I feel when someone deleted my comment(s)?

Definitely I will feeling down and hurt.

I like the way of mistipurple to handle it :)

Part 2
I do believe more in actions than words :)

nyonyapenang said...

i think i'll chose today to say how sweet you are rather than wait for another day.

have a good weekend, sweet angel.

angel said...

Oh dear, oh dear! I'm so the late! I've been buzzzzzy! But dunno buzzzzzy with wot! Shucks!! I need more sleepppp! How's your Flyday? Time flies... another Flyday already... *sigh* Where did Time go? So many things to do with so little time... are you a good Time Manager? I know I'm not... liuliu lohhh...

**********
Dear moz,...
Waaa! Pratinum Chup!
Yeah, I felt sad too...
*sigh*

**********
Dear titoki,...
*LOL*
Waa! So many chups! Grolden Chup! Oh yea, soli hor the other chup had to be deleted cos accidentally ter-post wan... *LOL*
Yeah... beautiful memories, hor?

**********
Dear ah tiu,...
Srilver Chup!
Har? Lei ching hai lei chup? :P

**********

angel said...

Dear king's wife,...
Yeah... beautiful memories...

**********
Dear lil'missmay,...
Not good to hv too many "if only"s hor? That's why I don't have any... well, not that I can remember loh... so actually sometimes having bad memory is good oso hor? :)

**********
Dear ah nel,...
Har?? I dunno what u meaning worr... I'm lost...

**********
Dear winnliuliu,...
Must jot this down first...
Today is our 12th Liuliu Week!
Hope liu are not so blue today...

**********
Dear feikor,...
Wow... you make me so the laam jor... how like dat? So, what are you gonna tell me today, Feikorrr?
*blink blink*

U want 4D forecast when I "not around"? U want me to "look u up"?? U no sked? Wat if I become hamsap guai?? *LOL*
:P

**********
Dear anonymous,...
Hullo hullo! I'm pleasantly surprised to see you here :)
I should be the one thanking you for writing the lovely letter... let bygones be bygones...

Hope you are not emo anymore when you read this... if you are, go out, get some ice cream ;)

**********

angel said...

Sorry liulius... I'll continue my replies later tonite... gotta rush rush RUSH!!!
*muaks*

Selba said...

Don't worry... Take your time :)

Will be patient waiting for your reply while sipping a delicous cup of coffee...

Have a nice weekend!!!

*Hugzzzzzz....*

ah nel said...

as time passby...

everyday what good or bad thing we done its pass the time and cant be reverse...smts say sorry also no used...its too late...

treasure everyday u had or things u done...nvr regret what u had done...before regret thinks first before take any action...

time pass us everyday without waiting for us...

kat said...

Hello dear...did you have a good day? Just want to say thank you for your friendship. It's not easy to find like-minded people who reciprocate your friendship. Although we hardly speak and meet, I really appreciate it. And I especially appreciate your messages and thoughts. *hugs and muaks*

Cocka Doodle said...

Waaa...so 9 cheong hei? i read later

angel said...

Dear inevitable,...
When I was a small small gurl, there was one period of time where I was also very afraid of death. I donwanna die... not that i wanna die now lar but I understand your fear...
Just don't think too much about it loh... ppl always say, 2 things in life that we cannot avoid - Tax & Death...

**********
Dear lin peh,...
Summary is like this, if u wanna yamade, faster do it. Nanti if u sexpired liao, no chance-y oredi...
Ngam bo? :P

**********
Dear plinku,...
Awww... thank Q for reading...
*hughugbek*

**********
Dear butty,...
Awww... dun worry... Snowpea must happy in Heaven...
Thanks for sharing...
And no, the comment wasn't ter-deleted :P

**********
Dear doc,...
Nah... it's not accidentally ter-delete... but it's okaylah... i just wanted to know how ppl feel if their comments were deleted... :)

Yeah... we never know what's gonna happen in the nxt minute... I always try not to take ppl for granted but sometimes a bit susah, hor? Sien...

**********
Dear sir simple american,...
*hugs back*
You are so sweet saying I bring Heaven to Earth!
*swoons* :D

I was just wondering if anyone wud write that kinda letter for me... and yes, u are right, No Regrets. DYK that I don't have regrets? :)

**********
Dear mistiliu,...
Liu are a very wise & kind liuliu... always giving ppl the benefit of the doubt, huh?
*learns from mistiliu*
And liu are so considerate sked my eyes blurblur if u write longlong... my eyesight still OK, so u can actually write longlong wan, ok? :D

And for your 2nd part, i soooo kam toung... *sniff sniff*
Very kam toungggg... until dunno what to say... thank Q so much for the Lurve... yesss! I can feel the MistiLurve! I oso missliu when liu are not around... hope liu are well, and eating! We must take care of your stomachliu!
*lurve, hugs & muaks*

**********
Dear zeroimpact,...
We don't need words... we just feel it...
*weekend hugs*

**********
Dear pink cotton,...
*pinjam shoulder to PC*
Dun over-wet it, ok! :P

Dun sad liao, ok?
*hughug*
*offers some ice cream*
Wanna wanna?

The deleted comment is okay wan... i not siu hei with small-small matters wan... but that doesn't mean u can delete my komen ohh... nolah! just kidding nia! :P

**********
Dear ah tiu,...
Hmmm...
Thank Q for your liuliu note. Yes, till we meet again...

**********
Dear selba,...
Agree, agree... mistiliu is a wise liuliu, hor?
The deleted comment, we try dun be so hurt loh... it's just a comment... if ppl want to delete, we cannot do anything abt it... remember what I mentioned before, it's just a blog... :)
Yes, actions definitely speak louder than words... but sometimes, maybe we can only act/react with words...

**********
Dear nyonyapenang,...
Wah lau... pai seh... kam xia... dunno what else to say... very shy...
You are a kind lady, nyonya... and yes, happy weekend to you too!
*bighugsfornyonya*

**********
Dear selba,...
Thanks for waiting!
*muaks*
How was your coffee? :D
*offers some cookies*
You have a great weekend too!
*hugzzzzyawnhugzzzz*

**********
Dear ah nel,...
Waaa... u ver cheem lah today...
Regrets, that's one thing I'm very happy about myself, is that I don't have any... I donno why... I just don't have the Regret feeling because I feel that things happen for a reason... So, no regrets, okay? :)

**********
Dear kat,...
I had a hectic day... thanks for asking...
I also want to thank you for all the messages that you left me, gosh, I missed so many of 'em!
Sometimes, I think how close we are to a person/friend has got to do with the yuen fan, rite?
Have a good weekend!
*hugs & muaks bek*

**********
Dear cocka,...
If u lazy read, go read the comment I wrote for lin peh, the summary of it :P

**********
Have a nice weekend! I'm sleepyyyy....

ah nel said...

how u noe my ka ch'ng kang veli cheem?u spy me kar?lol

tat y i say smts think 1st b4 do lor...

Winn said...

ζˆ‘δΈηŸ₯道

Lin Peh said...

Ngam Ngam Ngam ! So...when you free yamade sama gua ? LOL!

angel said...

Dear ah nel,...
Sial! Wa apa pasal wanna go spy your ka ch'ng kang?? :P

Think first before do? But sometimes hv to do first wan worr... no time to think, den how??

**********
Dear winnliuliu,...
You donno where Time went? Haiiii...
Let's go ask mistiliu...

**********
Dear lin peh,...
Waa, u very the chik cip... Lemme check your performance with the other piao meis first and see if you layak anot... :P

**********

ah nel said...

haha...u got sexicited mar...lol

then dont regret lor aft tat...

Anonymous said...

i hv read mycrapsheet's the day u told me abt it, cut and paste + read at home. yeah, it's a tug in the heartstring. + abt the guy who delete yr comments, dont fren him.

k
e
a
t
i
x

angel said...

Dear ah nel,...
Sexcited your head!
Me regret? Nevah! ;)

**********
Dear keatix,...
Dun fren him? Maybe... one day... just maybe...

**********

ah nel said...

which head??? :P

ya kar no regret???hmmm...

angel said...

Dear ah nel,...
I know u r gonna ask me which head wan... tsk tsk!

Uh huh, no regrets! :)
What for regret? Regret oso no use, rite? So, no regrets!

ah nel said...

eeee...u manyak li hai ho...u can read my mind wor...u apa nama?bolih mintak otograf kar???lol

ya lor...regret oso no used so y u regret ler??? lol

angel said...

Dear ah nel,...
Oi, u no nid to work wan ar? Go here go there write komen nia..

Of cos I li hai... now oni u know? Nama? Angel is the nama... otograf? Bolehhhh! Cum KayElle :D

Ei, why u say i regret when i say i no regret liao?? Sot sot dei... :P

ah nel said...

muahaha...weekend mar...wat u xpect???

i wan fairy ler...

i memang sot mia u just noe kar???lol

angel said...

Dear ah nel,...
Alamak! Still around? Belum balik??

U want fairy? Then go find kinky blue fairy :D

Sot sot a bit is ok, but dun sot too much hor... nanti i sked... :P

ah nel said...

no lar i was at my best fren shop then suddenly heard bad news...

she...nvm lar...me not qualify...lol

i sot too much mia olang ohhh...how ler??? :P

angel said...

Dear ah nel,...
You pretend to be sot sot only wan la... I know... ;)

Sorry about the bad news... *sigh* That's life, I suppose... the vicious cycle...
*hugs*

ah nel said...

whre got pretend...u ask my best fren wife she wil tel u...my best fren n i both sot mia tat y we can b best fren she said...lol

smts life reli unfair...

Stupe said...

who delete ur comments?

fyi, ah yoong's phone number is still in my phone, though it's already 2 months he is not in this world anymore.

angel said...

Dear ah nel,...
Sometimes only u pretend... not all the time... like when u write comments, that time u pretend wan... I know wan...

I think life is unfair all the time...

**********
Dear stupe,...
Got lah a fren of mine... but i give him 'warning' liao... :D if he delete again, i donwan fren him liao...

If I were u, I'd be doing the same... what if one day, u get a call from "him"? I mean from his number la...

**********